Dear your Eminence,
You were always good with the words so you will find my salutation odd, to say the least. But I feel sure that somewhere in your grammar of assent there is room for subtlety of implication, not merely confusion of expression and that therefore you will eagerly await my explanation.
I opened with that clumsy and silly greeting because I feel it reflects the ridiculous situation in which we find ourselves. You will be aware that when you entered the Roman fold you were not by any means an easily identifiable Roman Catholic. Indeed there were some who harboured the suspicion that you might turn out to be a fifth columnist working for the other side. That turned out NOT to be the case, but the passing of time showed that your coming among us encouraged us into new thinking and an urge to remodel ourselves. When eventually Vatican 2 came along, many Periti (Expert Advisors) were heard to remark "J.H.N. was right lads".
Well now, from your lofty lookout point you will know better than I what has become of Vatican 2 and the wicked cunning by which it is being undone. I will not bore you with what you can all too easily observe for yourself, but I do pray this.
Just as your arrival among us Romans once encouraged some to think "outside the box", could you now please arrange for our Church to stop belly-aching about the need for more priests when, as must be clear to you and others above, God has moved on. The old mould in which we formerly received God's plans for us now hangs like a used-up chrysalis upon a low-lying branch. The Almighty is surely not so insensitive as to have us at all that praying and lighting of votive candles when His decision on the matter is already abundantly clear except to those who refuse to see.
"Abundantly clear" did I say? "Lead kindly light you will be thinking", and why not? Oh that the fever that befell you in that Mediterranean Banana boat all those years ago and caused you to pen that lovely hymn would now visit those high clerics who brazenly adopt you to their worn-out cause. Blasphemous boneheads! (Sorry Cardinal, got a bit overheated there) Must dash now, things to do, fever of life by no means hushed yet.
Thank you for listening, JHN
PS: Please don't take my mention of the fever of life as some kind of subtle hint that I want to be off. I do look forward to meeting up with you one of these days, but not just yet, eh?